Wonderland

No, not Alice...Just me wondering:

I am full of questions and at a point where I wonder what is the point in asking? Our Agency had "several" court dates this past week but did not specify where and when. I thought I had heard that there were 3 in Kras but I don't know the specific dates for all of them or when the families traveled for the first trip...I don't want to know these things because I am nosy...I mean, I am but I really just want to know so I can see what the trend will be...what to expect for ourselves.

I wonder when we will get our Petition to Court...This little document is key to filing for a court date...although most of our docs for court are already in Kras, they will not issue a court date until we have submitted this. It has to come from the facilitator. Once we get it, we will fill in the rest of the info...notarize, apostille, yada, yada...

I wonder if there is any possibility for us to have her home before the projected 3-4 months...You know how they say, "time flies?" Try being in my shoes. On one side of the coin, I can hardly believe we are about to ring in 2008 and on the other I feel like April will never get here. I just want so badly for her to be home on her birthday, March 31. Not just home but settled.

I wonder if she remembers us...is the nanny showing her the pictures we left? Are they pushing the buttons on the bunny so she can hear our voices? Will she recognize me when next I see her?

I wonder if all the mothers waiting to bring their children home ache just the way I do? Does it hurt this much for all of us? Are they all as confused as I am?

I wonder if I will ever understand what the mother of this precious little girl must have suffered at the moment she signed her life away...could I ever be that selfless? Will she ever be the same? Will her heart ever heal?

Ok, you get it, I am sad today. We are one week home...it has been 9 days since I have seen my child. I continue to remind myself that the Lord has seen her through nine months of pregnancy and 20 months on this earth and that He continues to hold this child in His protection. She will be fine. But I wonder, will I?

This morning, one of the other waiting moms posted a verse...

"Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for you." Jer. 32:17

He's got it under control...no need for me to wonder.