Watch this and then read my post below it! Make sure you scroll all the way down and pause the music first!

Something Went Awry

We have had a great couple of days...On Friday, My friend, Dinah picked me up and took me to a virtual spa??? Everything was done by machines. I had a water pressure massage, then I was hydrated (baked is what I would call it) in this machine that encloses everything but your head. The temperature inside got up to 118 F. I felt a little anxious to say the least. Then I had a facial which was this mist thing that sat in front of my face for 20 minutes...it was cool and after the baking, I enjoyed it immensely. But then came the spray on tan. Have you seen the episode of Friends where Ross gets this done...that was me (sort of.)

I was so paranoid...I used the buffer cream like no body's business and then I got into the booth and I stood how she showed me to stand...it sprayed...ok, fine...then I panicked! How did she tell me to stand? I think I got it right. I turned and positioned my hands the way she showed me, I think...it sprayed again. I got out...Am I supposed to dry off? I think so...drag up, right?

So, we meet our husbands and all the kids for Mexican food. That will be 4 adults and 7 children:0) Do you have a table for us? On Friday night? At 7 O'clock?We had a good meal...I got into it with a man who yelled across the restaurant and subsequently humiliated a young couple who had a young child that was throwing a temper tantrum...unhappy people should stay home and leave the rest of us out of their miserable lives. So, we eat, go home, have a family slumber party in the family room and in the morning I am going about my routine until I look down at my leg and well, SOMETHING WENT AWRY!



I ran to the mirror to inspect the damage...my face looked great! Had a nice healthy looking glow. My abdomen and back...wonderful! My arms and legs...did I mention that SOMETHING WENT AWRY? Well a picture is worth a thousand words...so, I will save my breath (or my fingers in this case) Will I try it again? I'm not sure...maybe you get better at this as you go along...I mean why would people do it otherwise, right? It was fun..we had a really good laugh about it...for the last several days...I would mention that at least it hasn't gotten too hot for jeans yet:0)


Good times...Thanks, Dinah...I love ya sista!






My Mommy's so bright, I gotta wear shades.

Not Too Bad...

I'm 31 years old today...Hard to believe...I don't feel like I am 30-something...but I am. Amazing.

Last year I took my birthday a little hard...30...THIRTY! I know, some of you are older, but do you remember thirty? This year, I just feel like there is a peace about me, surrounding me, like everything is in it's place. I can't explain the feeling of contentment in finally being able to go to bed at night knowing that my children are finally all tucked up in there beds as they should be...under one roof. God is amazing--He really is.

Here are some pics of me with the greatest gifts I've received in my life...Not too bad for 31 years!

Thank you, Lord, for the blessings in my life.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

THIS CLARIFICATION IS NOT DIRECTED TO ANY OF OUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY BUT RATHER A BLOGGER WHO TWISTED MY WORDS AND USED THEM INAPPROPRIATELY ON HER OWN BLOG:
Some clarification...it appears that someONE read my last blog entry and took off with the idea that our daughter will not come to us...quite the contrary...she will come to us fine and is becoming more attached to us daily. Our issue is with her willingness to go to others and her confusion as to who her primary caregivers are. Of course children who have lived in an orphanage are used to various caregivers through out the day and possibly different ones from day to day...it is only natural that a loving child and one who attaches easily would be accepting of anyone who holds, plays and gives constant one on one attention. Our goal is not to keep her from bonding with others but help her understand that her bond with us is different than a bond with her anyone else. I share this information on my blog so that others in the process do not feel so alone when they read blogs that talk of nothing but the good stuff...there is "stuff" that needs to be dealt with in any adoption...I appreciate those out there that share the good, the bad AND the ugly...That out of the way...

Ellie has made great strides this week! We have stuck pretty close to home since Sunday but of course, we have had to go out a few times. I took her into the preschool that my son goes to and she was quite shy toward the ladies there...turning her head away and burying it into my shoulder. So, dependence is starting to rear it's head...now that we have had several days where I am the only adult she sees for long periods of time...she is constantly at my hip:0) We have had NO temper tantrums since Sunday...we have had tears, of course, but no tantrums!

She is so curious and so active...she puts everything, I mean everything, into her mouth! And, we are starting to make strides with Houser...poor boy...he just cannot understand why she is allowed to pull on him, crawl on him, and lay on him but as soon as he looks at her she lets loose with the scream of all screams.

The bonding between siblings is progressing very wellish...The newness has worn off for Ruthie and Rusty...Ruthie will engage her if there is not something more interesting for her to be doing...she is 8 so playing with a 2 year old is not the bright spot in her day but she continues to be affectionate and helpful...Rusty, 6, is the defender of all that is weak...so, he spends a lot of time defending her from Flip, 4, who never really thought she was very cool at all. In fact, wanted to know if "she has to stay forever?" He is of course having some normal jealousy...everywhere we go people talk to her and exclaim over her while the other three stand by as if invisible...I explained that the attention will eventually wear off and she will be "just"another Jerger kid...

So, life continues...

Attachment 101

It has been quite the weekend...Friday night we went to small group...it was really nice...our pastor's wife and my firend, Lisa made everyone dinner and they had balloons and a cake. We just sat around visiting. The kids are always so excited when we go to small group. The Kroll kids have a lot of animals...hamsters, a bunny, a dog, some fish...they have video games and of course all of their toys are better than the toys at our house, right?

We have a tendency to just let the kids play on their own, problem solve themselves when the need arises, unless, of course, there is blood. Ellie is pretty easy going and so, we let her mix in with the rest of the group. She spent a lot of time playing with one of the older girls...being held, sitting in her lap...when it was time to go, Ellie wanted to stay with Makayla...hmmm.

Now, we had seen this behavior with Ruthie, our oldest as well...the first few days home, Ruthie was holding her hand everywhere, sitting her in her lap and when it was time for me to pick Ellie up and do something with her, she would cry and reach for Ruthie. I am not hurt by this other than to say I feel bad that we allowed it to begin...it is confusing to Ellie...She is used to different care takers all the time and goes to others easily and trusts them.

Some might be prone to blow this off..."she will get over it." Well, having worked in the nursery for several years, I am quite used to dealing with kids with "separation anxiety." You know, the kids who scream when mom drops them off...you get them to calm down about 15 minutes before pick up, you get them to play about 3 minutes before pick up...mom comes and they still reach for her...they don't usually want to stay with you...even though you have been their world for the last 60 minutes.

So, Adam and I decided to put the no holding/helping/feeding rule out there. It is impossible with three other children for us to cocoon ourselves into our home for the next however many months...we must venture out...to church, to baseball, to gymnastics...you know, life. But, until we feel that Ellie knows the difference between Mommy and Daddy and the rest of civilization, all of her needs will be met by one of us. Everything from feeding to diaper changes, etc. This will at times be frustrating for us and others I am sure. But, it is what is necessary in the process of attachment. WE know that Ellie does not have problems attaching...she attaches too easily and that in itself is it's own form of an attachment disorder.

We did go to baseball on Saturday and church on Sunday...I spent most of the Sunday school hour in an empty room...Ellie wanted to talk the whole time so we excused ourselves. She had a few meltdowns during that hour because she wanted to wander the halls and I wouldn't let her. I would only put her down in a closed room so as not to disturb some classes that had their doors open. At times like these, it is very evident that she is not at all used to being told, "NO!" She literally threw herself onto the floor and let loose with some kicking and screaming. Although she has had some meltdowns, this was the first time I had seen this. During these meltdowns, she does not allow any comfort...she completely tightens her body and pushes away. I finally picked her up and made her sit in a chair until she eventually reached for me. When I picked her up the crying stopped immediately. I have done this now two other times and it seems to be working quicker each time.

After the tantrum during Sunday school, she fell asleep and I hoped she would sleep through worship...no go...so, I spent most of worship in the nursery...I let her play freely with the toys in the room and she walked around independently. She did not share well...hmmm...afterward, we played on the playground for a bit but cut out earlier than usual.

We had a cook out with some very good friends of ours and just let all the kids play and get to know Blondie. it was a good time and she left without incident. Today, is my first day holding office hours again...I have so much to do! She is the only one here and for the most part has wanted to sit in my lap while I work...makes working a little difficult so I am finding little things to keep her busy on the floor so I can talk to her but work at the same time...right now, she is playing with a plastic box that some ink pens came in...oh to be two again.

Houser in the House

THE DOG CAME HOME...He is not a hit. So sad...he is such a loving guy but, I confess that to someone who has never seen a dog and is herself just a pip squeak he could be a little terrifying. She can stand to be close to him and is comfortable when he is near if we are holding her or if she is in her high chair but if he even thinks about trying to approach her for a sniff, we are going into total and complete melt down in one second flat. Yesterday we played outside in hopes that she would see the other 3 playing with Houser and see that he is really quite harmless...no go...baby steps...

Another fear...the vacuum cleaner...yikes...can I just say that I am the queen of all that is vacuum? I use my vacuum cleaner at least 3 times a day...I vacuum the area rug in the family room in the morning and in the afternoon (4 kids...come on people) and I use it to vacuum up the piles I sweep up on the wood floors and I use it to dust. It doesn't even get put away unless we are having company!...it is invaluable! baby steps...

Ellie is doing very well all considered. She is going to bed with very little fuss...eating well...she's falling right into line with my non-schedule schedule...those of you who know me know what that means...I have no set schedule...I do what needs to be done when it needs to be done and my kids go with the flow, nap in the car...whatever...She has had two of her naps in the car since being home...what a good girl.

Adam is back to work today and we are going up to show off the new little Jerger and eat lunch with "Papa." She is picking up some very basic words and mimics quite a bit. We are still working on getting her to call Adam daddy and herself Ellie...she answers to Ellie now and when she calls herself by that name comfortably, we will use the name Vika as a special family nickname...thanks for the idea Heather:0)

Our friends from church have organised meals for us so I do not have to cook dinner for two whole weeks! It is so nice to have good friends that care for one another...thank you Brian and Anna for setting it up and thanks to everyone that signed up! It is greatly appreciated!

So, day by day we make new discoveries...face new dilemmas...conquer new challenges.

Back on Schedule

We are home...I won't bore you with the details of the 30hours of travel..I will just say that she did amazing!!! We stepped off the plane to family and friends waiting and the tears poured from me as I was so happy to be here finally. My kids have grown, literally while I was away and I am pretty sure there should be some unspoken rule against that...

We got home and Ellie seemed to join in like she had always been here. She is completely comfortable with the kids...plays right along with them never missing a beat. She is, however not comfortable with adults yet and if there are no children around, and an adult tries to talk to her, she seeks out her safe zone...my lap.

Our biggest hurdle will be the kids desire to accommodate her at every turn. It will be a rough go when the novelty wears off and they are tired of handing over all the best toys and giving her free run of their bed rooms:0) She is testing all the boundaries and her tantrums make a nuclear bomb seem like a restful beach but she is quickly learning that they yield no results. She has slept two nights in her own room, by herself and thanks to a quick trip to Target, she is in panties and has successfully used her potty seat. (hoping to keep this up since she is pretty much potty trained)

Yesterday, we woke the kids early...to try to get ourselves right back onto our schedule and, because I was awake at 5:30AM anyway...thank you, jet lag...and after a quick trip to Target for some essentials, we went to Bush Gardens for a few hours to have some fun with the kids. She did great in the stroller just enjoying the BEAUTIFUL weather. We rode a few rides, looked at the animals and ate lunch. They napped in the car on the way home and went to bed almost on time...today, it was back to school...and just like that, we are back on schedule...for today:0)

Goin' Home

We are going home tomorrow and I am so ready...to hug my kids...to see their faces...we meet in the lobby at 8:45 in the morning and our flight leaves Moscow at 12:55. Four hour layover in ATL and home around 10 something!!! It will be a long day of travel but I am so excited!

The last few days we have been wandering the streets of Moscow. We took Els down to Red square to get her pic in front of St. Basil's...I am pretty sure it is required:0) I can't post pics from here because they keep the tower locked up so I can't plug my camera into it. We also walked to Arbat today and had a drawing of Ellie done by a street vendor...ate at the Hard Rock...lousy food, worse service:0) The weather has been beautiful and we have really enjoyed being outside.

For those coming behind us, there is a park about three blocks from the Marriot with lots of room to run around and a slide and sand box...you walk past the grocery behind the hotel and you will dead end into it. We (and two other families) took all the kids out there yesterday morning before our Embassy visit.

The Embassy visit was great. I continue to be so impressed with our in country staff...they got us there first...we were numbers 1 and 2 in line and literally 5 minutes after we got there a line 100 people deep formed. Our facilitators were the only ones of adopting families that walked us in and explained the process to us and then left to wait outside. Once we were there, Americans are allowed to skip all the lines (how cool after being shoved around for the last month!) We paid our fee and sat back down...then they flashed our number and we went to the window for our "interview" in which she compared Ellie to her Russian passport, had us swear to something, we signed some papers and sat back down...30 minutes later, we got called back up, were given our sealed envelope for immigration in ATL and sent on our way...Ellie will be an American as soon as we touch down! Praise God, we are goin' home! Thank you, Father.

What's In a Name?

I couldn't sleep last night...we had to be in the lobby at 4:30 am and so we had to get up at 3:30...I went to bed fine but I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. Whenever I look through the pictures of our time with Vikellie or we walk past a mirror and I point to her and I ask, "who's that?" She softly wispers, "Vika." Sometimes she sings, "Vika, Vika, Vika..." to the tune of Nanny, nanny, boo boo. Here is a child who has been on earth for over two years and when I picked her up 5 days ago all she had to bring with her was her name. I am struggling with my desire to call her Ellie and a need to let her be Vika.

Having three children already, I have learned over the last 8+ years that being a parent is a priveldge and not a right...Do I have the right to change this child's name? I'm not too sure...I confess that it was very hard to leave Kras this morning. I cried quite a bit as the plane took off and I looked out the window for what was (realistically) the last time I would ever see the birth place of my child. It was really hard knowing that that would always be missing from her life. I am confident that God has called us to this path and I pray that I will have the faith to believe that He will equip us to handle all that is ahead...even something as simple as a name.

****We are back in Moscow safe and sound and off to the Embassy tomorrow morning to begin the process of making Ellie a full fledged American. So exciting...so tired. THe flight was fairly uneventful...all the kids did well but they were all tired and then we got stuck in traffic on the way to the hotel so we followed up a 5 hour flight with a 3 hour car ride....

Stupid is as Stupid Does

Long Version: We are outta here! We leave on the 7 something flight out of Kras to Moscow where we have just 4 more nights…and home on SUNDAY night!!!!! Let me tell you I have never been so excited to get up at 3 AM in my life. We have spent the last few days just killing time while Ellie’s passport is prepared. We should have that this afternoon and we have been instructed not to leave the hotel after 4pm today.

The time at the hotel has really been invaluable to the bonding. Today she not only allowed but asked Adam to pick her up. She even went as far as to turn to him when I tried to pick her up once! This is wonderful as it shows she is learning to trust us both. She still will not let him hold her outside of the hotel…this seems normal since she has become quite comfortable in our two little rooms here…we will see what Moscow holds as far as bonding:0)

So, yesterday Adam got stopped by the Russian police! That was just a little (insert sarcasm here) scary! We were walking back from the blue mall and I was just trotting along talking to a few other ladies…we were in a group of about 10 (3 more families for court today) One of the men yells out my name and tells me to come back. I turn the corner and there is Adam with his passport out standing in front of a police “officer.”

I walk up and he says, “this your lady?” uh, yes. “Passport!” So I hand him my passport. He looks at them both for a little while (I don’t think he could read them)…another man in a sweater and a coat looks at them…He asks where we are staying, we tell him…he asks where we are going, we tell him…he hands us our passports back and off we go shaking like leaves…so, here’s the real story…another American who was with us but walking behind Adam saw the police officer and the man in the sweater talking together and point at Adam (who, by the way was screaming American with his “summer coat” hanging wide open and his safety belt for money and passports outside his clothes in plain sight. Not to mention the sneakers which are just not too cool here in Siberia) anyway, the man in the sweater was sitting at a tomato stand and it seems the cop was just shooting the bull and they decided it would be funny to stop him and scare him. Our friend seemed to think they set it up to amuse themselves…whatever.

Update to this story: We have sice talked to our facilitators and they have informed us that (aside from we are "stupid") we should have told them we did not understand the word "passport" and that we needed them to return to the hotel with us to get our translator...he said that he could have been anybody...no necessarily a cop and that he could have planted something on us...so, in future, do not hand over your passport but insist that they return to the hotel and call your facilitator...hmmm...

So, the little princess is doing well…learning boundaries and testing them. She is an extremely happy girl but also very strong-willed. We are looking forward to bringing her home for you all to meet…next post, Moscow!

Short Version: Packing for Moscow, leave tomorrow, Adam got stopped by the police, Ellie is starting to trust Adam.

Beauty (On the Inside) Sleep

Long Version:

Our First full day was wonderful!!! (Until bedtime) We started out going to get photos for Ellie’s passport. That was a very short errand…she sat in the stool with a shocked look on her face and they shot two quick photos and then the other family’s little boy had his turn. After that, they returned us to the hotel where we sat in the lobby for about an hour just watching the people pass and every once in a while, the resident cat. She was very curious about the cat and would follow it but it would not let her get too close…smart cat:0)

Adam had to leave again to do some paperwork for her birth certificate and passport and I took her back up the room. I tried, unsuccessfully to feed her once again…she is sort of snacking and that is about it…she seems to be too interested in everything around her to really eat…we talked to our facilitators and they said that because of her size and personality (“so busy” is what they call her) they were not surprised…they said she probably does not eat that much anyway…we are not going to stress overly about it…she takes the milk we give her and drinks the Activia.

I put her down for her nap on schedule…again I laid with her in the bed and then moved her to the crib…she slept good and woke up happy. In the afternoon, we decided to venture out to a restaurant for a meal. She ate some noodles, French fries and enjoyed being out...wanted to walk instead of being carried…and did not, repeat did not, want to go back into the hotel! She wanted run right up to each stray dog (there is a pack that roams in the courtyard outside the hotel…not aggressive but very dirty and not the friendliest)

Once back at the hotel, we had another fun bath time and around 8PM, she began to wander to the door and pace the room off and on. She looked extremely tired and then she started getting sad…and then came the meltdown. Temper tantrum like I have never seen (outside the orphanage). Finally, after 10 minutes of it, I stopped fighting her because she would not let me comfort her and I put her down on her belly in her crib…she literally shut off like a light switch and was asleep before I got to the door…weirdest thing I have ever seen!

She woke up this morning like a new kid…all smiles and giggles again…we went to the coffee shop for some really awesome crepes with strawberry sauce and she rode over in the snuggly…she really enjoyed that. After, we hit the grocery store and after about 5 minutes in there she started to cry…so, since she would not be comforted, I took her back outside (today was the coldest day since we have been here. -8 C with an icy breeze) she continued to tighten up in the snuggly and have her tantrum off and on until we started our walk back…I put my hand up in front of her face to block the wind and eventually I realized I was supporting her head…”Adam, is she asleep?” Yes, indeed and four hours later she woke up once again the smiling beauty we have come to love…this is a girl who does indeed need her beauty sleep!

Short Version: We’ve been out…mixed reviews, she likes the snuggly, doesn’t eat much, and really needs her sleep!

Gotcha!

We got her!!!! Oh my goodness…every bad thought I could possibly have had leading up to this moment was in vain…Our facilitators picked us up at 4:00 in the lobby and we loaded up with all of our gear…clothes to change them into, snow suits, shoes, cameras, towels and bags in case of puke…When we got to the orphanages, they sent us to the same room we visit in…we got out all of her clothes and they took us into their group rooms so that we could get pics of her rooms at the home. Those faces and scenes will be with me for the rest of my life…although I had seen it in February, it was different somehow now that I was taking her from it…more significant that I take in every detail, every face.

Once we had taken the pics, we returned to the visitation room and the kids were dressed. They began to cry when we walked in but Serge, our driver took Ellie’s hand and led her from the room. He told her to hold my hand as well and she did. Outside, we posed with Galena for a picture and then we loaded into the van for our ride back to the hotel. Not one tear on the way…lots of surprised gasps at every car and she would yell out, “dadya!” at all the men…which translates, “uncle” or “man.” She uses it every time she sees a man she doesn’t know.

When we got to the hotel, she had just a moment of reservation and she insisted on walking by herself; she is very independent! She turned around only once to see if our facilitators were with us…once inside our room, she did a slow perusal of everything…surprisingly she was not very interested in the toys. She was more interested in the sounds outside and the telephone.

We tried to feed her…she was not into any of the baby food we bought…seems to only care for the solids which is surprising and since we were not prepared for it, she ate mostly Cheerios and crackers for dinner tonight. I also showed her some video of our visits at the orphanage…she heard the music from the music lessons and began clapping her hands and did not seem sad at all…

Then, I said the word for bath and she ran to me!!! She would have climbed into the tub with her clothes on if we let her…I had to hold her back until Adam got in there to get her clothes off while I was filling the little tub! She immediately began to pour the water over face and giggle and as I sit here, she is still in there playing and giggling. If Adam or I leave the room she yells for us and it is the sweetest sound. She is completely happy! Fell asleep next to me in our bed at 9:30…I picked her up and moved her to the crib…Not one tear yet! Gotcha never felt so good.

Worth Every Second.

Today we pick her up...Yesterday on the way out to visit with her I just had this feeling of bitersweet relief. It was the last time I was going to have to leave her there...the last time I would have to hand her back to a nanny...Today when I get there, I am leaving with her. It is unbelieveable to me. Two and a half years....worth every second.

What About Bob?

After several days of taking “baby steps” and a birthday party yesterday, we had a major break through today. We got to the orphanage at about 3pm…right as they are getting up from their naps and she was still puffy eyed when they brought her in. She did her usual little cry but the nanny must have gotten the memo because she said something to her and then left the room. The full blown tantrum started right away. Within two minutes our driver came in and talked to her a bit…he is quite stern with her and she responds well to him. After calming her, he sort of hid on the other side of the room…

She continued to check for him for the next little while but eventually he was able to leave the room…she cried initially but we were able to comfort her and finally to play openly with her…we heard her giggle…GIGGLE, for the first time. The truth is, Adam is our kid’s favorite toy and this little angel is no different. He got silly splashing in the balls and she thought this was hilarious! We threw balls at Daddy’s head and he fell down quite dramatically…more giggles…we got into tubes and flailed around…more laughing…we had so much fun today! Adam got to pick her up for the first time today…briefly:0)

We started this day off so depressed after talking to the kids back home and just really for the first time feeling extremely home sick…today’s visit put the joy back into this trip…Bob is catching up!