Stand.

I haven't really felt much like blogging lately. Last week, the kids had no activities during the day and so we didn't have to be up for anything in the mornings. Our evenings were a different matter all together.The boys were swimming from 5-5:40 every afternoon and we had to get to church for VBS by 6:00...throw in dinner and 3 evenings of gymnastics and the combination makes for some very tired kiddos. Their mother...exhausted. Still it was nice not to have to rush to be somewhere every morning.

VBS was a lot of fun this year. Flip is old enough now to be "into" it and the other two love it! Ellie got to go into the nursery each night and by the 3rd night, there were no tears at drop off. Each time I returned to pick her up, she ran over yelling, "Mommy!" I think that we are in the clear as far as bonding goes...at least in a group setting. She is comfortable going in and the workers do not need to hold and comfort her. We still will not leave her in situations where she might be the center of attention...no babysitters yet. Her vocabulary is really flying along...she is speaking in 3-4 word sentences and understands nearly everything we tell her or ask her to do. I think she is actually talking better than many other two year olds.

Yesterday, I went to the grocery store to get all my stuff for this week and low and behold I forgot my bags that I was so proud of in my earlier post...bad girl. I guess that will take time to get into the habit. I got my blog book and I love it! I will say that when I order 2008, I will get the bigger book. Although the 8x11 is great, I would like the pics to be a little larger.

Ellie is doing great, the others are doing great...blah, blah, blah...the truth is, this is hard. People are constantly asking me how she is doing...she is really doing fine...me however...that's another story. It is really kind of hard to explain the wave of emotions I go through each day. Having three biological children, I guess I have taken for granted the time I had to get to know each of them. Even during my pregnancies, I got a sense for how active each child would be, I had food cravings, sleep loss. From the time they were born, they had little personalities that Adam and I helped to shape as they grew. Ellie came to us with her own, that we had nothing to do with and frankly, it isn't a little personality. She is so incredibly vibrant, so happy, so smart. It seems like everything should just be falling into place. On the outside, it is. I guess I am having trouble finding the words to explain these emotions...jealousy, that I was not part of developing her personality to this point...sadness, that she is so independent with many things due to her circumstances...outrage that her biological family had to give her away...sorrow that someday she will feel that part of her is missing and no matter how hard I try, there will always be a void in her life...elated, that I am her mother now and I get her hugs and her kisses...confused over what is going on in that little brain...thankful, that the Lord saw fit to give her to us...faithful that He continues to work on me everyday.

I will probably always worry about Ellie. It seems only natural for a mother…just a little heightened with her because of her circumstances. Adam reminds me that worry is a sin and I am sinnin’. It is time to give it up to the one who is equipped to handle all that is placed before me. I guess you could say I have been in a bit of a funk lately…but I am getting’ up, brushin’ myself off and I am ready to stand.