The first one to come home from our region is now home a few weeks...she posted on our chat all about her trip and how she and her daughter are doing. One of the things she mentioned was that her daughter is really grieving. At night, she cries...like screams, wailing tears. She allows her mother to hold her but continues to cry. This is not an uncommon scenario for adopted children...even small children.
I had begun to read the book, Becoming a Family: Bonding and Attachment...I had to put it down. After the way Ellie walked right into my arms and seemed to want to stay there, I thought, "No way will we have all these issues." But after talking to several families that have brought home children who have lived in institutions the first 2-3 years of their lives and reading many blogs, I can no longer deny the fact that I need to be prepared...my child will grieve.
She may not have all of the same bonding issues that others are/have having/had but there will be something that is different from the way I bonded with my three natural children. It breaks my heart to think how confused and frankly scared she will be when we take her from that place. Probably her only time in a car was when she was transported from the hospital to the orphanage. Her world is so isolated. The baby home sits kind of back with not much happening around it...Has she ever seen a city bus, a tall building...an AIRPLANE? Has she ever been strapped into a car seat...we all know the answer is: no. Every sound, smell and voice will be different for her.
I begin to wonder if I will be able to comfort her those first few days in Kras? What will she think of the hotel? The car? The airplane to Moscow? Will she like her first bath in a tub or will it scare her to death? What will she think when I offer her something to eat besides gruel? Will she know I am doing all of it because I love her? I pray that my words and my touch will tell her it is so.
3 comments:
The good thing is that you're realizing this now while you can learn how to help her the best you can. Go back and read peoples experiences when they first arrived home. The scariest thing I ever read was the almost violent rocking to sleep, but the child was self soothing himself to sleep. Truly sad. But just your constant reassuring love will help change this (I imagine, having not been there myself).
I'll be praying for you.
Adam and Lori,
Usually choosing to speak with you privately; I make this rare visit to the comment section. This most recent concern mentioned reminds me of how often people cry out to God when in time of crisis rather than in prayer for preparation of what is to come. I think of how important it is for one to ask God to begin preparing one's heart for the day when their parent dies or when their child leaves the nest. I remember when beginning to pray for you, Adam, (though I didn't know your name) when Lori was just 12 years old. Here too, all who share in your journey are reminded to lift Ellie up in prayer to the Almighty Comforter, MOST powerful healer; thanking Him, as He has begun preparing Ellie for the loving family He has planned for her. We thank Him also, for the peace He gives us as we remember that He is faithful to His promise that in ALL things He wants His children to have joy. Just as you continue to prepare yourselves for what "might" happen, God is also already about the business of blessing you, as well as Ellie, with His gift of peace; satan would have many think otherwise; do not be fooled. I believe that when you (both of you) hold Ellie against your breast and she connects with your heartbeat in a mystical, spiritual way, unmentionable healing will happen. Just a reminder (one that I think we all benefit from time and again) to Trust, Trust, Trust. God will do the rest! I love you both, Mom
It is amazing how we all wonder how those first few moments and days will go. Will she grieve early in the transition or will it come much later? These are things that we will all face. Some children transition so quickly and easily. Others, have a harder time. I guess all we can do is rely on God to give us strength, compassion, and encouragement to make it through!
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